She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
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After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
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I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
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