last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Randomize