Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
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Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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