Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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