i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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