I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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