So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
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He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
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I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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