Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
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i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
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I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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