I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
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So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
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I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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