i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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