if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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