and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
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There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
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I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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