What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize