Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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