"it" just moved
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
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when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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