I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
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I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
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Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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