he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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