My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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