Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize