So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
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She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
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It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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