It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize