Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
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