Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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