I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
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I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
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Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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