When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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