just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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