Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
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I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize