you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
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We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
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I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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