I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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