god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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