You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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