forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
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I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
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you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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