she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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