There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
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Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
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I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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