why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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