That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
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Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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