when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
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I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
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so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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