I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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