when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
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there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
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The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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