Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
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Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
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Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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