Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
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Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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