i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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