I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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