what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
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i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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