I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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