thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
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And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
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But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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