theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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