Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
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I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
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It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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