I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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