I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
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He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
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I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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